Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.

ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.

HER: I hate you.

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕