Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
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you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
wow he looks just like him
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Short story
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot