Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
You Might Also Like
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.