Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
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[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.