Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it swim

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.

Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.

Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.

Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.

Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?

Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.

No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!

[My dog watching me floss]

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….

Long story short….Send bail money…

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol