Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved

I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…

and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”

Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

Message from the dog groomers

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol