me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
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Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
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For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?