Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
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Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
79.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.