Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!

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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.


[God, wasted, creating humans]
Angel: How do they cool themselves off?
God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them.
Angel: How…Ok.


If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.


Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside


*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*


This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.


[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy


I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.


Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to