@leshnevsky

Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!

Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!

- @leshnevsky

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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*

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Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

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I was excited when my GF asked me to dress up as the cable guy, until I spent the next 3 hours on the roof, trying to fix the satellite dish

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@SortaBad

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
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@SamuelHLowe

I’m going to confess my love to this sore throat so it’ll be gone when I wake up in the morning.

@batkaren

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.