The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
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FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.