@leshnevsky

Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!

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@RikNasty2Point0

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

@Playing_Dad

[God, wasted, creating humans]
Angel: How do they cool themselves off?
God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them.
Angel: How…Ok.

@HatfieldAnne

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

@theyearofelan

Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside

@AlexRogaski

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

@EveInFlow

This is now a vegetable pun account. Please romaine calm.

@GrantTanaka

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

@Darlainky

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

@david8hughes

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to