Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.

Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today

I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge

She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.

Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again

The Fashion Industry: No.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

Seek kebab; not attention