Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”

– my best friend and the whitest man I know

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

Friend: are you mad?

Me: what no

Friend: you look mad

Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?

Losers.

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

looks legit

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

I’d like a simple burial. I only want to be mummified and have a tasteful pyramid placed on top of me.