Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
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Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.