ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
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[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
what do you want!!!!!!!!
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
We know he can swim but…
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*