Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”

Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

[80% of bar rescue eps]

TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th