Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
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Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread