Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
The internet is magic sometimes.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
some things should go without saying
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it