Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
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By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume