Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
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Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.