Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
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Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist