Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

*crashes your wedding

Why aren’t you answering my DM?!

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.