Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.

Me: OK, so my parents met in university…

T: No I mean the start of your problems.

M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats

MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out