Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

I feel this so hard

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”

“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”

when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled

Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened

[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

7yo: Want to know how I got so good at math?

Me: Yes.

7yo: I found out there was a calculator on my watch, and I pretend to read the time in class now.

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”