ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
You Might Also Like
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
sigh
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
If I was a bartender, anytime someone asked for a drink I would say “Why don’t you take a pitcher, it’ll last longer.”
