Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

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