Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

I want to meet the individual who made this

Did…did a minotaur write this

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.

Have kids, they said.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”

No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.