Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

Chemical wingman

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

Me: *flirts*

Anyone watching:

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.

I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear