Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…

Me: $3,800

Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…

Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.

Salesman:

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.