Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.

That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆

Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices