@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

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@DanMentos

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

@bombsydoll

Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids

@MetteAngerhofer

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

@HomeProbably

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

@Nrvous1

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

@XGroverX

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

@WilliamRodgers

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.