good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
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Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I’m so antisocial, i won’t even meet my potential.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.