-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
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me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming.
My sister used a Kroger bag to bleach her hair and the logo came off on her head happy Monday
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.