Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
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Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
This is my pinned tweet
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?