@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

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@Cain_Unable

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

@girlnarly

[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop

@bug_deal

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

@lazerdoov

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

@Adar79Angie

Joined a gym once. 12 bystanders were injured. So much blood. 2 people renounced their faith. At night I still hear the treadmill screaming.

@bosley_peyton

My sister used a Kroger bag to bleach her hair and the logo came off on her head happy Monday

@krustythe_klown

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

@Lhlodder

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

@snmrrw

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

@ChaseMit

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.