@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

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@SirEvisiae

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

@jimmy_sharpe

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

@ohpeetie

It’s 27 outside. Oh great, even the weather is younger and cooler than me now.

@Mexpeach7

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married men make:

1. Doing things.

2. Not doing things.

3. Thinking about doing things.

4. Not thinking about doing things.

@Adar79Angie

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

@Parkerlawyer

They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.

@NamestartswithZ

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.

@Cain_Unable

Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.

@Dani_Feld

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.