Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

That’s enough internet for the day

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

August 8

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.