Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

Things will get butter, keep churning

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

that de-escalated quickly

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.

Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts