Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

This kid is going places

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?

No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.

“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).

RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.

who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

My Plans 2020

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors