me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?![]()
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I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I falcon love using swear birds
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors