Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

Me irl

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

[at a wake]

Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this

Widow: wow

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.

He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.

Girl wake up, you’re drunk

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!

Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*

Me: The house is clean!

Kid: Hold my juice box!