Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…

Him: Don’t do this.

Me: I didn’t make the cut.

Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.

I’m so full I could puke a horse

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

I replied “No…”

She responded: “How about now?”

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?