Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.