Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

*launders Kohls cash*

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

Did we do it, did we save the daylight

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.

Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.