Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks