Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank

Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!

Uber: What?

Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

When you have to use a public restroom.

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

New nose

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.

[1st time doing the sex]

her: wanna get on top

me: uh, sure

[later]

me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat