Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years