Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

I’m not a 10, I’m more like two 5s stuck together with melted cheese

“I FIXED IT!”

There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.

Me: Good idea.

[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off

*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”