Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Stay here and watch people argue or log out and listen to my family argue? Decisions, decisions
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels