Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
how long have you had this for?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever