Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Husband: you should get out of the house more
Me: *goes shopping*
Husband: not like that
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Two types of dogs.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
O Wise One….
