Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
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What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon