Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

The USS B port

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Here’s a meme