Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

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The Chosen Phew

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.

I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss