ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
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her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
The booster protects against what, now?
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks