ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
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Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.