[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
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watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
British people be like I’m Bri ish
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.