Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
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I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married