ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
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The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”