ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
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Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅Just ticking off my bucket list.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
me: dating is hard
me on a date: like what if godzilla was an atheist and we just named him that
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
*orders delivery*
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.