Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

happy mother’s day❤️

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!

OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.

When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”

And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

*first day as a pilot*

Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

Her: why are you covered in egg

Me: I got into a fight

Her: did you win?

Me: yes It was over, easy