Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry

her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-

me: I mean I’ll do anything

her: I just said you can lis-

me: anything at all

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.

*whispers* forlorn corn.

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72