Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
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Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Oh the world we live in…
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words