Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

running feels great unless you compare it to not running

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.

Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

I can’t stop thinking about this shirt

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile