Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
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Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
this is uni
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department