Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
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I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Awesome parenting 😂
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Cold.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.