Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

Grandpa

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

😂😭

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.