Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

My exorcist thinks we should see other demons

Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these