Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too

I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol

Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

my favorite gender

The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal