Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
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This is hilarious….
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.