Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
This is amazing.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”