Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
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Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.