Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
You Might Also Like
what kind of cook setting is this??
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
