Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
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Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
This line from Airplane.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs