Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

Me: I would love to sleep with you

Her: ok I think we’re ready for this

[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]

My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.

Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.

Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.