me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
You Might Also Like
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Suuuuure
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined