Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.

How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you