Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao

My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.

My Plans 2020

overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

I enjoy a good short stor

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

“It got weird, didn’t it? ”

*Leaves on a pogo stick.*

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

it must be school picture day

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

For anyone who needs this today

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.