me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
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Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
only 11 steps left
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.