Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment

Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

Always the camel, never the toe.

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired