Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?

Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

*kicks the door in*

PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update