me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
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Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
brian had himself a morning…
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.