Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?

Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

They’re stuck in your pants?

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.